More Than Less Than Perfect

I am so glad I don't have a "Jesus fish" tattooed on my forehead. Or stuck on the back of my car.

I am guilty of getting in others' way of receiving the Gospel. I am guilty of not even caring about the lost or anyone who "gets in my way".

The reason could be is that I am so jealous of others' seemingly carefree lives. I know Proverbs says the jerks will get theirs...but why can't it be NOW and when I can see? I know that the Lord will reward us in heaven for sucking it up and loving these people and doing all we can to reach them. I have so much to do "for the Lord" that I can't take any time for MYSELF, let alone someone else. Then, when I DO try to be patient with these people and give them the time of day, they spit on me. Oh yeah, Jesus might know a thing or two about that. Ugh. Nailed again with my selfishness.

I've done the emptying part - you know ... empty yourself and let the Lord fill you up with good things. I haven't mastered the filling up part yet - just sitting and soaking in His love for us all, His love for me. Right now, I am just empty, so how can an empty shell be any kind of witness for Christ? I can't. It's completely impossible, yet I WANT to. Do I get credit for that? Probably not. Not in the Kingdom.

It's like WANTING to be a size 6 ... it's possible, but not without any action.

Step one is knowing you have a problem, right? The thing is, I've been on step one for ... well, all my life. I'm an idea person; I love to brainstorm in groups - but I am not the one to delegate things to. Why has God delegated this task to such a weak people? How can the weak help the weaker?

I truly believe discipleship must be rooted in your heart before you can do any kind of effective witnessing. You can tell someone Jesus saved your soul, but if your life looks no different, what will convince them? Being armed with knowledge and the anointing of the Holy Spirit is probably the only way to successfully gain an outsider's trust.

I can't even love myself right. I can't love my husband or my family right. As it's been said in our messages at church (Keith Porter, and he probably ripped it off and gave the credit, but I wouldn't remember to whom), you can only love to the extent that you yourself have been loved. Then, more recently he said...Jesus helps those who can't help themselves, and know it. Well, I know it, but is my heart open to His guidance?

Smiling Heart

Well, significant others, I guess I've reached my decision on the whole deal with being the one who is truly in charge of running the household:  it's always going to be your job.  

In consulting with another person in my situation, this person basically said that they gave up.  A long time ago.  Because their spouse is never going to change, you can't change them, and even when they do get the bright idea that they are going to "help", it causes more harm than help most times.  

So, I give up.  I can only do what I can do.  No one comes in my house until  I'm ready.  If my husband doesn't like that, then he needs to change.  Until then, which is probably never, I am doing what I can do, which most days is very little, since the amount that needs to get done is so monumental.

But, hey, I have learned that hiring out is nothing to sneeze at.  And, I think my husband knows better than to ask why, or how much, or can we afford it.  Because if he does, and has any kind of attitude of "why can't you do it", I will probably push him down the stairs.  

It has been worth paying someone else to mow the lawn when last year, it brought me to tears trying to find the time and strength to do it.  This year, that worry is nonexistent.  I don't even think about the lawn.  It is so great that I don't even notice when last year (and in other years past), every time I got home, my heart was stressing over it.

It has been worth paying someone else to help me finish remodeling a bedroom upstairs.  Yes, I will pay you by the hour to come and help me move books and furniture and to sand the floor.  Know why?  Because it will never get done if I am expected to do it myself.  

Do we have financial problems?  Yes.  Can I still justify paying someone for these things?  Yes.  Because they are not costing any more than 3-4 meals at a fast food restaurant, and to my aching, stressed out heart, it's worth it.  And, it should be worth it to my husband too - because if my health goes in the tank, we are both screwed.  Not even because he loves me, but just for that practical reason.  

So, significant others, give up on your partners if they are reluctant to follow a pattern of cleanliness.  They will not change unless they want to, and let's face it - how many of us will ever really change the way we are?  We can hope and pray, but until that day comes, just give up, do what you can, and ignore their negligence.  Your heart will be much healthier.

Clinging to the Savior (no, not Obama!)

I'm studying the red letters.  Just the words of Christ in the Bible.  I want to know what He really said.  I am at the point in my walk that I want to ask, "What else matters?"  

I got some of my answers yesterday.  I had a few questions about the sermon on the Mount.  It was explained by my pastor that if you look at that particular text as a checklist of things to do, so you can be ... I must paraphrase because I can't recall the word he used ... but I'm just going to say "righteous", then you might as well pack it up and go home.  Jesus used the sermon on the Mount to show us, here's the law, here's how inadequate you are, here's how to get to heaven - ME!  

So, today, I'm thinking (and this will probably change because that's just how I am) ... what other words matter in this day and age except those that Christ said?  If we would just hold onto that and follow through with striving towards Him and His Kingdom, a lot of what we go through would be like gravy, if we would only compare it to the damnation we deserve.  After all, what was the cross, a stroll in the park?  

I know we need God's Word as a whole, but just for simplicity's sake, what if we took those red letters and just followed them?  I am fearful that in doing what I THINK I'm supposed to be doing as a Christian is really going to send me to the harshest judgment by the Boss.  When I read what Jesus has to say, I think today's church is so RIDICULOUSLY FAR OFF; how can we even think we are going to win any souls to heaven with the meaningless lives we are leading?  Why are we allowing the churches to lead us down the road to hell?  Because I believe many of them are.  We are a stale people who don't have a clue.  I think we're all doing the opposite of what Jesus wants and we're letting church politics excuse it all.  

Jesus said He came here to divide, and that is what will happen to us - only in this society, I'm afraid those with the most gadgets and technological know-how are going to be the ones that the mindless listen to, because people are too lazy to read the red letters for themselves.  They are going to listen to the ones who paraphrase and diminish those words, shaping them into a neat little pamphlet that doesn't offend anyone.  But, good luck with those red letters not offending anyone.  Thank God, Jesus was the Son who was and is and is to come - because you know what?  He didn't have to take anyone's crap.  But what's more?  In the end, he took it all, so we wouldn't have to walk about whining all the time about how someone scratched our car in the parking lot.  WHO CARES, you mindless dummy?!  

Think about this, if for no other reason we should be concerned about this.  If no one calls these people out on the carpet and tells them why these things are so significant and tells them what IS significant, how else will we ever get their attention?  Who's going to pay at the judgment seat when God wants to know why all these souls are in hell?  Read the Word.  We are.

A Rotten Day

Let me preface this with - I hate when people say things just to get attention.  I am not one of those people who makes up depression or melancholiness.  If I feel rotten, most of the time, I am just mean to people.  It's the only way to not have to deal with anything.  Just be mean, people go away and leave me alone - that is what I WANT when I feel depressed.  I don't want pity.  With that...

I am having a day of emotional deterioration.  I know God is on the throne.  I know Jesus loves me.  I know that what I am going through is a walk in the park compared to some.  But, why does it feel like you're the only one, when a day of constant tears comes along?  I listened to the radio in the car and heard endless songs with messages of God's love amidst the loneliness and garbage we face.  It is a consolation, but then I got home.

I won't go into detail.  Let me just say my house is not a home.  It hasn't been since I was single.  When I lived alone, things were just right.  Most everything had a place, and even though I was messy, my house wasn't dirty.  Now, it is dirty.  Filthy.  Unhealthy to live in.  By fault of my husband and myself.  I'd rather be at work.  AT WORK.  And, I don't even like it there.

I thought moving would change things.  It only changed the location of our grime.  My husband is going to read this and feel like I'm guilt-tripping him.  I don't care.  Maybe he needs to be.  But, not by me.  He is blind to what this does to me.  And him picking up after himself one or two times a month doesn't cut it.  He has never run a house.  It takes unrelenting obedience.  I can have a spotless kitchen.  The next day, it can be demolished by him, and he thinks I'm the mean one when I go off.  Sorry, Paul.  I can't contain myself.  I have cried all day today because of many things.  

I cried because I can't go to my own birthday dinner - a "family" dinner that is supposed to involve celebrating several of our birthdays.  It's on a day when I can't go.  Why?  

I cried because I was asked on short notice to drive on an overnight trip with two friends.  This is causing me stress because the car is loaded with JUNK that I can't bear to bring in the house because of the current status.  Not my friends' fault for asking, but ours for not keeping our vehicles ready for such an occasion.  

I cried because once I dropped my husband off for him to go to the family dinner with his parents, I had forgotten that I had to drive 17 miles out to drop off a job project to my mom.  

I cried because when I got into the car, the tire was nearly flat and I had to drive to inflate it.  Once there, I realized I didn't have my wallet.  I had to drive back to the house again before leaving town.

I cried when I got back home because I have no clean clothes that fit, and I have to pack an overnight bag.  I am wearing sweats and a t-shirt that doesn't fit me; I can't visit a friend's parents looking like this.  

I cried because I need a shower, but there are fecal-matter-covered linens and fecal matter on the bathtub all over.  I don't know where to put the dirty blankets to even wash the tub and take a shower.  

Then, I cried because I stood up from checking my e-mail to go DO something, and I don't know where to go.  I don't know what to do.  I decided to sit down and write this blog.  Not in the hopes that anyone reading would feel sorry for me, but in the hopes that God will hear me through this message and comfort my soul.  

I'll cry again tomorrow because my friends are expecting to stop at my house, and I'm not going to let them in, due to the bags of dirty diapers and smell of fecal matter and dog urine.  I can't expose that part of me to them.  They know it's there, but it's not real to them until you step in, smell the pungent aroma of stale diarrhea sitting in the commode my husband doesn't empty as often as he should, and you gag every time you get a whif of it.  But, I'm mean.  I lack compassion.  I expect too much.

I guess if I just start expecting filth and rotting waste, I won't feel so badly the next time I walk in my door.

Baby Ass

Bet that title got your attention....

It was brought up in Pastor Keith Porter's sermon today (www.hillsdalefmc.org) about when Jesus was riding the donkey to Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, that it was miraculous that the donkey behaved perfectly (or so we assume, since there was no mention of it being unruly).  This is because the young donkey was unbroken, had never been ridden, and there were hoards of people surrounding it while Jesus was on its back.  PK explained that the ass was aware of Jesus and as a part of nature, the donkey was not unruly because it was connected to the Master of the Universe (not He-Man, either), its very Creator and Savior of all the earth.  PK said we can never understand why the donkey behaved in this way because we are constantly fighting nature.

When he first brought this up, I thought something else.  I thought, hmmm, I'm like that donkey when I let Jesus lead me.  I can be docile and behave and pleasing to him, following the path on which he leads me.  But, then, I'm like - get OFF my back, Jesus!  I can't be perfect all the time!  I don't WANT to go up the Mount of Olives...I want to slide down the ridge and be by myself.  So became the people who crucified him.  I can't imagine that I would have been one of those people, but wouldn't I have been?  I murder him every day when I sin and don't repent.  

Praise to the Father for his patience.  If I were my parent, I would have drowned me a long time ago.  Maybe he feels that way sometimes too - disgusted at his creation...Jesus wept for Jerusalem, even though these people were dirt rockets who had turned their backs on the one true God.  I don't cry for the lost; do you?  Maybe if we did, we'd be more concerned about the witness we carry every day for him.  Is it adequate to make a difference?

Dirtball

Ever look at someone in the WalMart check line and think, "What a dirtball,"?  Come on...be honest with yourself.  Maybe  you have; maybe you haven't.  The one thing we all have in common, no matter what answer you gave yourself, is that the Creator made us all in His image.  So, I have come to the conclusion that we're ALL dirtballs.  Heck yeah!

I often have the feeling that the things I say to people in "authority" (self-imposed authority or otherwise) is taken in the wrong spirit.  You know, I am a straightforward person most of the time, and I appreciate that in other people.  But, in this day and age, it's not tolerated.  The "tolerant" are actually INtolerant!  Of the very people who seem to make the most sense.  Like, when I use the word "dirtball".  What is the problem?  Get over yourself and off your pedestal of greatness!  You are a loser too!  Maybe even moreso than the rest of us, just because you think I'm inappropriate for not being a fake!

It's always been that way for me.  So, since I am someone who is sensitive, yet angry...it usually all comes out in the wash, at the most inappropriate times, I'll admit.  

What's my point?  If we weren't all saved by God's grace...Jesus Christ...there would BE no point.  If he didn't ride into town on that ass just to be murdered within the week, I might as well shoot myself in the head.  I am so thankful that he did.  God loves all the dirtballs, even the ones who are drunk and talking on their cell phone in their front yard in your neighborhood yelling, "Well ya ARE still my husband, or dontcha even care?"  In fact, if Jesus were here, he'd probably act as if he loves them MORE than those of us with our polished etiquette and conversational skills.  Boy, would THAT ever piss off the Republicans who SAY they want to protect conservative Christian values in America.  Sure you do...till it means you have to get your hands dirty.  And not by the usual means of a politician's dirty persona.