Let me preface this with - I hate when people say things just to get attention. I am not one of those people who makes up depression or melancholiness. If I feel rotten, most of the time, I am just mean to people. It's the only way to not have to deal with anything. Just be mean, people go away and leave me alone - that is what I WANT when I feel depressed. I don't want pity. With that...
I am having a day of emotional deterioration. I know God is on the throne. I know Jesus loves me. I know that what I am going through is a walk in the park compared to some. But, why does it feel like you're the only one, when a day of constant tears comes along? I listened to the radio in the car and heard endless songs with messages of God's love amidst the loneliness and garbage we face. It is a consolation, but then I got home.
I won't go into detail. Let me just say my house is not a home. It hasn't been since I was single. When I lived alone, things were just right. Most everything had a place, and even though I was messy, my house wasn't dirty. Now, it is dirty. Filthy. Unhealthy to live in. By fault of my husband and myself. I'd rather be at work. AT WORK. And, I don't even like it there.
I thought moving would change things. It only changed the location of our grime. My husband is going to read this and feel like I'm guilt-tripping him. I don't care. Maybe he needs to be. But, not by me. He is blind to what this does to me. And him picking up after himself one or two times a month doesn't cut it. He has never run a house. It takes unrelenting obedience. I can have a spotless kitchen. The next day, it can be demolished by him, and he thinks I'm the mean one when I go off. Sorry, Paul. I can't contain myself. I have cried all day today because of many things.
I cried because I can't go to my own birthday dinner - a "family" dinner that is supposed to involve celebrating several of our birthdays. It's on a day when I can't go. Why?
I cried because I was asked on short notice to drive on an overnight trip with two friends. This is causing me stress because the car is loaded with JUNK that I can't bear to bring in the house because of the current status. Not my friends' fault for asking, but ours for not keeping our vehicles ready for such an occasion.
I cried because once I dropped my husband off for him to go to the family dinner with his parents, I had forgotten that I had to drive 17 miles out to drop off a job project to my mom.
I cried because when I got into the car, the tire was nearly flat and I had to drive to inflate it. Once there, I realized I didn't have my wallet. I had to drive back to the house again before leaving town.
I cried when I got back home because I have no clean clothes that fit, and I have to pack an overnight bag. I am wearing sweats and a t-shirt that doesn't fit me; I can't visit a friend's parents looking like this.
I cried because I need a shower, but there are fecal-matter-covered linens and fecal matter on the bathtub all over. I don't know where to put the dirty blankets to even wash the tub and take a shower.
Then, I cried because I stood up from checking my e-mail to go DO something, and I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. I decided to sit down and write this blog. Not in the hopes that anyone reading would feel sorry for me, but in the hopes that God will hear me through this message and comfort my soul.
I'll cry again tomorrow because my friends are expecting to stop at my house, and I'm not going to let them in, due to the bags of dirty diapers and smell of fecal matter and dog urine. I can't expose that part of me to them. They know it's there, but it's not real to them until you step in, smell the pungent aroma of stale diarrhea sitting in the commode my husband doesn't empty as often as he should, and you gag every time you get a whif of it. But, I'm mean. I lack compassion. I expect too much.
I guess if I just start expecting filth and rotting waste, I won't feel so badly the next time I walk in my door.
Matthew 6:26-29 "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to your life's span? And why are you anxious about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory did not clothe himself like one of these."
ReplyDeleteRevelation 21:1-5 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "See, the home of God is among mortals. He will dwell with them; they will be his peoples, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; mourning and crying and pain will be no more, for the first things have passed away." nd the one who was seated on the throne said, "See, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true."
This is some scripture I turn to on days where I feel like this. My heart breaks after reading your post because I wish I knew the extent of what you went through before we left for Fort Wayne that day. I love you, Hoss. I'm praying for hope and peace for you and Paul as your life begins a new chapter.